A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "are you a real biker?". 

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker." 

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women  . As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women, when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women. "

Then she got up and left.

The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"
He replied, "I always thought I was a real biker, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." 

150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service". Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black outfits with jackets saying across the backs: "F.A.T.A.S.S."

The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.

I feel safer already....

Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were called for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl looked and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange and he was pretty sure of the body's identity.
 Gomer was then brought in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

 On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed. 
 On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh). 
 On the third day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.  Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
 On the fourth day, God created man. God said, "Eat,sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, Man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal." So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained.

 A man was telling his coworker one day that the company was transferring him to Detroit. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. 

 When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime, even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits. 

  His coworker asked him to reconsider. "Detroit was a magnificent city" he said, "With world class museums, and it has many great historical sites and good
public transportation". Then he said, "Why I myself worked in Detroit for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
 The first asked, "What did you do there?"  To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."


- If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago,  it would now be worth $49.00.
- With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
- With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
- If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than  permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness
of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
  recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to  the real
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

Five little old ladies were out driving one day. As they passed a police officer the officer looked at his radar and was astonished to see that the ladies were only going 22 miles an hour. To the officers thinking, a too slow driver could be just as potentially dangerous as a too fast driver, so, based on this logic he pulled them over. The driver seemed fine but the rest of the ladies were frightened and white as ghosts.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" asked the cop.
"Why no officer. I was doing the speed limit. Exactly 22 miles an hour".
Trying not to laugh the cop explained to the old lady at the wheel that this was highway 22 and that is what the signs they had seen were refering to, not the speed limit.
"By the way" says the officer "are your friends allright. They look a little shaken".
"They will be all right in a moment officer" she says. "We just got off of route 129".

A crusty old man walks up to a tellers window at the bank and says to the teller "I want to open a damn checking account".
Not believing what she just heard she says to the old man "Excuse me, I must not have heard you correctly. Can you repeat that?".
The old man replies "I said I want to open a checking account God damn it!".
Believing that she should not be made to suffer these indignities, she goes and gets the manager and explains the situation to him. The manager agrees and says that he will deal with the man.
As both the teller and the manager aproach the man, the manager asks the man "Sir, do we have a problem here?".
The old man replies "No, there's no problem here. I just won fifty million bucks in the lotery and I want to open a damn checking account".
"I see" says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?".

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctors office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked "Yes sir, may I help you".
"I want to see the doctor" said the man, "There's something wrong with my penis".
Shocked at what the man had just said the receptionist scolded him "You shouldn't talk like that in a crowded room full of people. You just embarased everyone in here".
"Well" said the man. "What should I have said?".
The receptionist replied "You should have said that you had a problem with something else and then when you got into the exam room you could have then told the doctor the truth".
Upset, the man turned and left the office. A few moments later the man re-entered the office. He again approached the receptionist and this time when she asked what he wouold like to see the doctor about he replied "I'd like the doctor to examine my ear".
"And what's wrong with it?" the receptionist asked.
"I can't piss out of it" the man replied.

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now".
 The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
 It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
 The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said  "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat outta hell

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex, the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights.
Looking down, she saw her husband holding a dildo.
She got completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly...
"I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids."

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, I ain't", said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Three guys die in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St.Peter says, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the Ducks!"
So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman."
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any duck.
One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on a very tall, tanned, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken . He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow so, for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?

Q. What's the Cuban national anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in Arkansaw schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming  around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. 
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.   
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" 
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred." 
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle  Fred, honey!"  
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"  
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."  
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."  
"And what happened?" 
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."  
"Oh, my God!   What about Uncle Fred?"  
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." 
There is a long pause.   
"Swimming pool?  Is this 555-3097?" 

An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. 
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" 
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" 
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" 
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" 
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

In an apparent act of copycat terrorism polish terrorists today have hijacked the Goodyear blimb. So far they have bounced off of five buildings in Detroit.

* SMART DOGS. - Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "PC, do your stuff." PC trotted over to a desktop PC, grabbed the mouse in his mouth and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Tax Break, do your stuff." Tax Break went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. Without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the computer keyboard, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

1. When you run away
in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking...

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat
isn't all over everything while you're gone.
(Have you noticed that your toothbrush
tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for walks, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet.
Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters.
Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard.
Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised
when I freak out everytime we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog!
What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my
knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust
from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking
quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich
begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No"
"Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a
bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again. The first cowboy walks over to her,
lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his
tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks
the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and
she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but
I ain't never seen nobody do it.

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive
country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable!!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club,
and we'll have to sell the 26-room house, and move to two smaller homes... but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."

There was a boy, a donkey, and an old man who started travelling one day.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went
along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man
was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the
critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he
makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to
walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful
to put such a heavy load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell
into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye

Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic!  Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"  The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

A lady went up to a biker on the street and pointed at his leather jacket.  "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.  The biker replied in a psychotic tone, I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. 

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I am doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running!


A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking.

The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"

"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Kawasaki, so YOU ride it!!

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